sorry i just saw this message

i'll get to the point. 

if i respond to your message several days late, with a "sorry i didn't see this" or "oh i didn't get a notification", there's a good chance i'm lying. 

here's approximately what i'm trying to say.

this shit's hard, ok. sometimes i'll mark-unread a message so i don't forget. sometimes i don't. in theory it should be easy. i see a notification, type up a response in 20 seconds, and get on with whatever i'm doing. but that just doesn't happen sometimes. i see the message icon pop up (or i realize i've ghosted someone for like a solid week), and a sort of existential dread holds me back from even looking at it.

there's a whole area of research around how the internet and social media have eroded the boundaries within our lives—the whole pile of hats we wear, whether it's the personal life hat, the social life hat, or the work hat. 

i find wearing the people-interacting hat is a bit like getting behind the wheel. i'm entering a state of slightly elevated stress and stakes. it's fun sometimes, and i'll be fine if i'm not stupid. but the moment i get distracted, things can start going very wrong very quickly. 

when i've taken off the people-interacting hat and tossed it across my room onto my (very organized, i swear) floor lump of clothes-i'll-probably-need-again-soon, it takes a very concerted effort to dig it back up and put it back on. besides, it's not a very comfortable hat—it comes with a baseline level of self-consciousness, guilt, and fear of judgement inherent to existing in a space with other people. 

i recognize that at the end of the day, it is just me. rationalize as much as i want, this is something i need to get better at for my own sake. so bear with me. yes i'm terminally online, yes my attention snaps to that tiny red circle at the top-right corner of the discord icon with a consistency that terrifies even me. but i'm working on it. for professional purposes, just picture one of those asterisks next to me:

"hours of operation subject to change without prior notice."

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