normalize failure — Bocchi the Rock and how to be human in a world that doesn't like humans

(yes the title's a bit long-winded sue me)

it's been more than 2 years since Bocchi the Rock started airing. if you haven't seen it yet, you should do that. if you're not into that type of stuff, then what are you doing here. 

the show itself does a lot to build on the original manga by aki hamaji: banger ost, really creative animation direction, and incredible work by the voice actors. but i wanna focus on its protagonist, bocchi herself.

(Bocchi the Rock, episode 2)

more specifically, why does this pink anxiety blob live rent free in my head?

(oh, spoilers ahead, though this isn't a show that minds that much)

"girlfailure" is a character archetype defined by being pathetic to the point of endearment. these are your huohou star rails, cirno touhous, the entire konosuba squad, etc. train wrecks of characters, massively flawed to the point of being entertaining.

and there's bocchi, of course. the thought of starting a social media account turns her into a convulsing computer error. the sight of men drinking alcohol at a restaurant sends her into an anxiety spiral, envisioning herself grown-up as a shut-in alcoholic nursing broken dreams. on the surface, this is funny. the way these reactions are exaggerated, the absurdism of it all (again, massive props to the animators and voice actors—fun fact, the aforementioned computer error scream is entirely unedited), but there's so much more to this whole character archetype, and the show as a whole, than just being haha funny.

we live in a society

a bit of societyposting to start out so bear with me. the idea of a "girlfailure" can be seen as a response to the whole "girlboss" thing—a culture defined by empowering women in a business world dominated by men. while its intentions are respectable, it's fallen out of favor over time—embraced by corporate interests while at the same time rejected by many who see its idea of success as hollow and out-of-touch. and rightfully so—there are many parallels to the whole toxic hustle-culture mindset: glorifying work and financial success while often brushing aside larger inequalities and even personal wellbeing. even the word "boss" is a very limited, corporate interpretation of success. "girlfailure", in this context, is a rejection of that: maybe the "success" we've been taught isn't all that.

oh right. bocchi. where does she fit in all this.

media and culture give us role models—people real and imagined that we can look up to. usually these are athletes, superheroes, celebrities, CEOs, and so on: personalities characterized by various forms of strength and popularity. bocchi is the absolute opposite of all this. she is physically weak, emotionally unstable, reclusive, and insecure to an absurd extent. as such, she is a failure. she is pathetic. 

but in spite of that—or rather, because of that—she is extremely human.

where all these public figures and celebrities may exemplify how to be popular or "successful", bocchi gives us a model for how to simply "be". she has aspirations and dreams, but also flaws and doubts (a lot of them). she's not exactly presented as someone to look up to or idolize, but simply by existing, she serves as a reminder that it's okay to just exist—that there are ways to do so even with our imperfections. 

and this is important. sometimes it feels like the world is one big game of pretend. submerged in expectation to always present as ok, as functional, as all those conventionally good things. we might've removed the "girl" from "girlboss", but we're still living in "boss" culture. chase the bag. rise and grind. lock the fuck in. treat weakness as something to be despised, hidden away, and "fixed". 

in episode 4, when bocchi has to write lyrics for their first song. she feels this exact pressure (hence spending 5 hours escaping reality to avoid doing it). she could easily write "bitter, social-outcast" lyrics, even stating that she "personally finds status-quo-affirming lyrics annoyingly irresponsible". but she ultimately caves and regurgitates some uwu positivity your-dreams-will-come-true type bullshit. she perceives them as more "acceptable", but is clearly not proud of it.

her bandmate ryo—having personal experience in how conformity and social pressures can hurt a musician—calls her out immediately, hitting bocchi with the "don't write generic lyrics based on others' concerns...abandoning your uniqueness is equivalent to dying."

and so bocchi writes her "bitter, social-outcast lyrics". and they go crazy.

bocchi sees you (menacing)

success isn't something you can just standardize into one singular definition. "boss" culture might work for some people. but what do you do if you're not one of them? well, you pretend. you fake it till you make it. you smother your aspirations, bury you half-formed dreams alive. it's painful. it's dehumanizing. and most of all, it's lonely—all things you hear in the lyrics of that song. 

"who am i supposed to show 'my real self' to?" the chorus asks, shouting into a world that has no answer. a world of appearances, a world of shallow positivity; pretenses of okay-ness.

part of why bocchi gets such a reaction is that she takes a lot these things—painful, lonely memories and experiences—and kind of hits the watcher over the head with them. the show doesn't dismiss bocchi's anxiety as a cute, endearing gimmick (though yes her character's still very much cute anime girl coded). the pain and loneliness are there—beneath a thin veil of humor and goofy ahh animation. 

sitting in a corner and eating by yourself, suffering emotional damage from embarrassing memories that won't leave you alone, walking in circles as you work up the courage to simply get through the front door—these aren't things you share with people. these are things you hide and hope to forget.

and then there she is. bocchi the rock, going through that exact shit. and this won't apply to everyone of course—as established, not many things do. but to quote ryo again, “it might not resonate with all, but those that it does, it’ll hit deep.” media is a medium of connection, something that can exist outside the game of pretend. and once you find the right stories—all of a sudden, in those embarrassing, solitary moments, you are seen.

it's ok to not be ok

19 minutes into episode 8, nijika, bocchi's bandmate, finds out about bocchi's popular online guitar cover channel. bocchi reacts in typical bocchi fashion, before ultimately explaining that: 

"i wanted to wait to tell you until i fixed the way i am."

i think about this line a lot. as life rushes by with its countless opportunities and chances for connection, i often find myself wishing i could take a time out. wishing i could figure myself out some more, and maybe narrow the massive divide between how i'm seen and how i see myself. 

though bocchi's channel, "guitarhero" is successful, she's unable to reconcile that success with herself—who as she says, is "anything but a hero." she sees all these societal standards of success; she sees how completely she fails to live up to them. and so she sees herself as, by virtue of her introversion and nervousness, fundamentally broken; as insignificant and unworthy of her online success. 

the show reinforces this theme a lot, with all the "bocchi trying to inhabit the mind of an extravert" gags. as if becoming extraverted would magically solve all her problems. 

and maybe it would. i for one can think of a whole list of headaches i could cure if i all my people-induced anxiety magically disappeared—if i just stopped worrying about what others think. that's not how things work, of course. but then how do they work?

idk lmao. if i figure out i'll let you know. but the answer the show presents seems to be that "it's not that simple". that all this "extraversion vs introversion" stuff isn't black and white. rather, it's red. and blue. and pink, and yellow. 

(see what i did there)

(Bocchi the Rock, episode 4)

people are weird and complicated and confusing

the main cast the show—bocchi, kita, nijika, and ryo—are incredibly distinct in their personalities. bocchi is, well, bocchi. kita is the slightly-unhinged hyper-extravert, literally blinding bocchi with her trademark kit-aura. nijika is outgoing but by nature very attentive and caring. ryo is an independent loner-type who's entirely comfortable with her perception as "weird".

these characters don't exist on one continuum of "introvert vs extravert", but rather across a range of different characteristics. over the course of the show, bocchi demonstrably learns some of the traits from each of these characters. she demonstrates nijika's consideration when she reaches out to kita, asking her to reconsider staying with the band. she demonstrates ryo's quiet assertiveness, writing several more songs that are performed in later episodes. and she gets a little bit of kita's social energy, demonstrating (with difficulty) some more confidence when talking to people. it's not a magical fixing-of-her-problems, but crucially, it is growth. 

none of this personality stuff is fixed. you have broad labels and categories, yes, and our society very much caters to the kind who can move fast and break things without a second thought. but on an individual level, bocchi depicts the process very well. it's about gradually learning new traits and characteristics—often from people you like and admire, and also seeing (easier said than done) and accepting the positive things within yourself:

for instance, bocchi is incredibly determined. she's courageous. she takes action when it matters. she cares for her friends. none of these are exclusive to introversion or extraversion. certain things may be easier or harder (often much harder) for different personalities, but these are things that, through much effort, can be worked on. and when bocchi's dreams are at stake, she is the one practicing nonstop, convincing kita to stay with the band, and even taking the lead at their second performance.

yeah, bocchi. she hasn't miraculously fixed herself. she's still a neurotic mess. but that doesn't mean she can't keep moving. she has things to learn, dreams to chase, and lots and lots of shit to figure out. just like everyone else.

conclusion?

there's a lot of talk of us living in an age of unprecedented loneliness, and i can definitely see it. connections and interactions increasingly take place in digital and professional contexts, which allow and encourage us to curate our image, leading to that game of pretend i was talking about. we bury the ugly, messy, weird, inconvenient parts of ourselves because they are—well—ugly, messy, weird and inconvenient. 

but humans are ugly, messy, weird, and inconvenient. and when you can't see those things in others, it's easy to internalize that "it's just me". that "i'm uniquely broken or messed up".

bocchi has no such luxury with us. we see her for the undeniable girlfailure that she is—pathetic at times, even a failure or a loser. but i think there is a lot of value in removing the judgement from those words. because outside of boss-culture-pretend-world, that shit happens. within the full range of human experience, those things are very much there.

i'm going to talk first-person here cause i can't say for sure what's going on in the heads of everyone around me. but that message is everything: that it's ok—even for a moment—to stop pretending that i have my shit together. it's ok that i'm a mess sometimes. that sometimes the things i try end in miserable failure. it's ok not to despise myself even as i work to change myself. it's ok to give myself some credit for simply persisting, caring, and surviving—even as i dream of so much more.

so yeah. you're not alone. be the girlfailure you want to see in the world...or something?? oh you're not a girl? well then BE ONE- 

uhm well. i'm sure the same applies regardless.